ElectricTeaParty.net

Let me begin by saying that I have a cold. As I was telling one of my co-workers earlier today, despite my frequent rants on any topic, there are very few things that will actually put me in a sustained and genuinely foul mood. This handful of things includes (but is not limited to):

• When electronics do not work properly, even though they should
• When I can not find something, even though I am positive I know where it should be
• Willful or unnecessary ignorance
• Colds

And like I said, I currently am afflicted with a cold. That means the day did not start out well.

Nonetheless, I resolved to soldier on. I woke up at a fairly reasonable time, I made myself a lunch, and even though I was unlikely to have time for breakfast, I nonetheless downed my vitamins and some juice. I was determined to make the best of it, being the cheery individual that I am. However, as the clock drew near to 8:40 and I frantically pulled on the last socks in my drawer (where in God's name do they always disappear to?), I realized something dire: I had forgotten to purchase bus tickets.

"Rhian," I called, for that is the name of my beloved, "I guess I'll be driving today."

"Why's that?" she replied.

I responded in kind, itemizing my response as I am as likely to do in speech as I am in writing. "(a) because I'm running a bit late, and (b) because I didn't remember to get bus tickets."

"Oh, bugger. All right then."

"Would you like a peanut butter banana milkshake?" Making the best of a bad situation, I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to have breakfast where I otherwise wouldn't have time.

"Are you making one? Sure."

And that was that. We enjoyed our breakfast, scraped all the ice off KRA, un-plugged him/her/it, and drove downtown without nearly dying more than three or four times. Let me just mention at this point that large commercial vans should not whip around tight residential corners at rally speeds during a Canadian winter, especially if a purple KRA is looking impatient to get downtown.

Parking KRA in the wild frontier that is the nearest parking lot to my office building with any vacancy, I hoped that he/she/it would start upon my eventual return. I would have avoided the frozen parking machine and paid with my cellphone, but once again I had forgotten to bring it with me. So I paid at the machine, and we walked. Rhian danced away the cold and complained, hurling angst wherever it would stick.

Now you may or may not have noticed a recent point of some import, so I shall bring it once again to your attention: I half-heartedly wondered whether KRA would start in the cold, and I had forgotten my phone. The clever ones among you, or those with a finely-tuned dramatic sense, may be anticipating an impending moment of dramatic irony, or somesuch. Well, you'll just have to wait, won't you?

The work day passed without event.

Walking the long road back to KRA, I remembered my fleeting concern over him/her/it starting again after 8.5 hours in the freezing yuck. This concern became more pronounced as I noticed that KRA was now covered in six inches of snow, and half-melted-then-re-frozen snow. Ice, I guess you'd call it. And to keep you from gnawing your own arm off in anxious anticipation, dear reader, I shall reveal to you now that KRA did not start.

KRA whimpered, KRA whined, and KRA made a valiant effort, but it appeared that a purple 1997 Ford Escort was no match for Old Man Winter, no matter how stout-hearted. Drat.

I did not have my phone. I considered all the people I would call if I did. I could call Richard, as he seems pretty car-savvy. just blue-collar enough to know what the hell makes these things tick. I could call the AMA, as I'm sure I'm not paying them a membership fee to come and scoop my cat litter. Hell, I could call Rhian and sound weak and pathetic and get some consolation. But no dice - no phone. Dammit.

There were plugs. Of course there were no available parking spaces with plugs back when I parked, but in the nearly-abandoned parking lot there were now many available sockets which promised block-heatery goodness if only I could push KRA 50 meters or so. Dumping my backpack in KRA's trunk and slamming him/her/it into neutral, I went around front and pushed.

Let me mention here that dress shoes are not the best winter footwear in the best of conditions, and neither my footwear nor my environment could have been considered to be in the best of conditions. There were several inches of snow on the ground, and my shoes are beyond their last legs and have resorted to lurching around upon the battered stumps of their last knees. Oh, I should wear boots in the winter and buy some new shoes for work? Thanks for reminding me, jackass.

I managed to shift KRA a grand total of about three feet. At that point KRA gripped the ground like a cat being pulled from a warm blanket and refused to move any further. I pushed, I pulled, I rocked, heaved, hefted, and thumped, but to no avail. Amazingly, I did not fall down. I looked at the Denny's across the street, and imagined having pancakes, sitting in its warm, welcoming bench seats while KRA sucked up electricity from the generous powered teat of the Impark parking lot. Sadly, it was not to be.

After a brief few minutes of sitting in KRA and feeling sorry for myself, I decided there was simply nothing for it. I swallowed my phlegm (remember, I have a cold) as well as my pride and trudged once more through the snow towards my office. They have courtesy phones there. Of course there are no pay phones anywhere - I was reading an article just today on how they are nearly extinct - and I would have had no money to pay for one anyway. I never carry cash. I guess I could have used my credit card. But no cash. Cash is dead.

I toyed with the idea of paying for more parking for KRA and just leaving the whole affair until morning, but it worried me to leave my car downtown overnight. And what would it get me? KRA would be no less cold tomorrow. I would still need help. Still pondering the issue, 7-11 clinched it: they were out of bus tickets, I did not want to call a cab, and I sure as hell was not going to walk blocks and blocks to the next nearest convenience store. I would have to go to work and phone the AMA. Luckily I had their card in my wallet.

Entering my building, the most miraculous thing happened: my good friend Richard, who I had been thinking of phoning (if only it were possible) not 20 minutes ago, happened to be coming back to work as well! He had forgotten his outdoor shoes, and only an idiot would wear dress shoes in this weather (natch). What was I doing at work? Blah blah blah. And Richard started my damn car.

Yes, the saga was (nearly) over. Apparently the problem is that KRA's battery may be getting on in years, and just didn't have the oomph to turn over the engine in this weather. (This is as technical as I get when it comes to automotive transport.) With the help of some handy-dandy jumper cables some helpful sister included with KRA, we had him/her/it up and running in no time. w00t!

I got home in time to write this blog entry, drink some chicken broth (did I mention I have a cold?), and phone my Mom before she goes to bed (hopefully). I also found the floor covered in DVDs, and my protective phone case lying empty upon the floor. I eventually found my phone itself, face down on the floor under the chair.

Dammit, what the hell good is a phone case if, at the first sign of trouble, the phone abandons ship? I mean seriously, every freaking time. If that damn thing falls, the phone seems to just eject itself from the case before it hits the ground. What is the freaking point of that?!

I would just like to quickly point out something you may have noticed here. At no point during my ordeal with KRA did I lose my cool. I did not scream, fume, boil, or bellow. I was cool, calm, and collected for the entire affair. And I have a cold, after all. But the minute my cats knock my shit onto the floor and my phone case utterly fails to do its goddamn job, THAT is when I just can't take it anymore.

But of course, you will notice that "electronics not working properly" is on my list. As is this bloody cold.